Love and Loss: a Story from Danielle

Danielle and I met just over a year ago when we both started working at the same location. We both attend the same university, and oddly enough she went to high school with my boyfriend before I had ever met either of them - the world really is a small place!

She's the first person to meet with me for an idea for a new 'series' of sorts on my page. The idea is to meet with different people from my community and let them self-lead an interview about things that have happened to them. I didn't want to have a scripted set of questions, because everything almost feels staged at that point. I just wanted to have an open conversation, which may be uncomfortable at times. Most importantly, I didn't want to sway the topic.

"Life hasn't been good in awhile."

That was the first thing that came to Danielle's mind when I asked her about the story she wanted to tell.

It was late in the month of June, a Wednesday as Danielle recalled that her life came to a momentary halt.

Her boyfriend of five years decided to end their relationship.

A breakup, to some, might not justify such a response. But after being together for five years, a lot of their life seemed planned out. "I seriously thought I would end up marrying that dude," Danielle said with a hint of both humor and sadness to her voice. They shared an apartment together, split bills, and even had a dog together. (Don't worry readers, she still has the dog.)

They had discussed plans for after Danielle's graduation and had pondered moving closer to his family while Danielle pursued her Master's degree. "And now," Danielle said, "that plan is completely ruined."

"He was my best friend, and the person I went to for everything."

Danielle recalled that things in the relationship had hit somewhat of a rough patch. They had conversations about some areas of tension that had come up. But the decision on his part to end the relationship still came unexpectedly to Danielle.



"When he left, we didn't end things in a definite way. He packed up his things, sure. He said he might come back, but he needed to take some time to think about things. That was one of the most isolating parts. I didn't tell any of my friends for a long time, because there still felt like a chance that we might end up back together," Danielle recalled.


In my own experience with relationships ending, I'll find myself seeing how negative a lot of the aspects of my relationships had been. I come to realize that a lot of the things said and done weren't always the healthiest for either party. I asked Danielle if she felt like that at all when looking back over her five years.

"Looking back, everything wasn't always perfect obviously. There are certain things I wish I would've called out sooner. But even with all the things I see in a negative light, I still care about him."








But this isn't just about a breakup. What Danielle didn't know yet was he wasn't the only thing she would lose that week.

It was just a few days later that she received a phone call that her grandma's health had taken a turn for the worst, and she likely wouldn't have much time left. It was recommended that she drive down to the hospital as soon as possible.

"I don't think I was ready to process what they had said. I was in the middle of a shift at work, and I decided to finish the shift before going home to pack a bag - I don't know why I stayed at work, but I didn't know what to do."

At this point, Danielle still hadn't told any friends or family about what was happening with her relationship. While at the hospital with her family, she didn't want to bring up her personal issues. "It felt selfish in a way...This wasn't about me. It was about the person we were all there to say goodbye to."

While sitting in a family waiting area, Danielle found herself surrounded by all the women in her family. "It's funny how it worked out that way, that somehow in that moment it was just my female family in the room." Everyone was trying to talk and distract themselves from the situation they were in. Danielle found herself being asked question after question about how her life was going, and how her boyfriend was doing. When it became too much, she finally had the breakdown moment. "That's the first time I really admitted to someone that we had broken up. Right there in the hospital surrounded by my family."

It wasn't long before Danielle's grandma passed.

"The hardest part was these two events happening so close to one another - losing two monumental people in my life in the same week."

As Danielle thought about her grandma and her relationship with her, she remembered how her grandma was the person who always knew just what to say and what advice to give. And she realized just how hard it was going to be to not be able to talk to her about everything that was happening.



It was a lot to process all at once, and Danielle found herself texting the one person she also knew she probably shouldn't be - her ex. He was her best friend and partner for five years, after all.

"I didn't know who else to talk to. But I also felt angry with him. I felt like he should have been there."

Danielle has since been working on processing her grief and looking for the positives that surround her. At first, it seemed like her life plan had been ruined. But now, she looks forward to changing things without the need to feel concerned about how a partner might feel. "Not checking in with someone every time you want to do something has been oddly refreshing."

Before this year, the idea of studying abroad seemed like too much of a hassle. Now, it doesn't seem out of the question. She now doesn't feel a need to work her schedule around someone else's. There's a certain freedom Danielle now feels to be able to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants to.

 

Going through everything was difficult, but Danielle credits her ability to work through it all to her strong support system. Her mom and sister have always been there for her, and have made dealing with her losses more bearable. Danielle also feels lucky to have friends that are able to help her when she feels her lowest. Even in the worst times, Danielle recognizes that there's always a positive to look for. Good friends, good family, and a good job have been incredibly important to her not only during this stage of her life - but also everything in between.




Being single again, Danielle isn't sure if she's ready to get back into the dating world quite yet. "I have a chance now to work on me without someone else effecting that. I can work on becoming a better me, and in turn a better partner for someone in the future."

As for advice for anyone who might have something similar going on in their life, Danielle had this to say:

Lean on others. 

"Without the people in my life, I wouldn't have been able to handle things 'as well' as I have, which there is still progress to be made. Try to do things to make you happy - even if they feel a little self-destructive. If you feel like you need to take a nap, girl take it. But also, force yourself to get out there every so often."

"This one is hard for me to grasp, but it's not all your fault these things have happened. Your relationship wasn't perfect because you weren't perfect for each other. That thought hurts at first, but the positive is now there's a chance to find who you're meant to be with. Allow yourself to be sad, but strive to see positive."


And most importantly,

"Get help - there is no shame. Hold yourself accountable, and ask a friend to help you if you feel like you can't do it alone. No one should go through things alone, and you can't shut the world out."